Learning as a Teacher

In the fall I taught a class on "Chinese Art of the Golden Age," and because we've all just been too busy, I only got my teacher evaluations yesterday from my Dean. The most consistent criticisms I received were that I read too much from my notes, that the students wanted less history and more art, and the pace was too fast, although half the students would still recommend the class to their friends.

My first reaction was to get defensive. Class was held from 7:30-10:30 p.m. once a week, which is a terrible timeslot. The reserve readings in the library were constantly messed up. Students wouldn't go to do their reading until just before class, and then would complain that they couldn't do the readings because someone else had them. Sometimes students would play on their computers or pass notes during class, and then get annoyed at me when I called on them to participate in a discussion. I was only asked to teach the class at the 11th hour, when the original professor abruptly canceled. This was the first class I had ever designed and taught all on my own. I was studying full-time simultaneously while teaching. My actual pedagogical training is practically nil. I wasn't all that much older than my students, which made for a slightly weird environment.In a nutshell, I was trying to avoid taking the blame for it, because you could say that I have a difficult time taking criticism.

But I knew that I could either get all bound up into a funk over them, or I could absorb them, toss them (in a symbolic and practical way of separating myself from them), and then go and seek out ways to improve for the fall term. Even though it still gives me the "sour feeling," a tight, twisted little knot of discomfort and unhappiness located in the center of my chest, actively going out and finding tools to improve is really empowering. Meditating was a big help, too, even though it took a heck of a lot of white flashes at the heart (a la Tibetan Heart Yoga) to get rid of the black, snaky, writhing sour feeling.

I really want to be an effective teacher, and admitting I'm not naturally a great teacher is pretty humbling, and somewhat dismaying. Part of me just wanted to quit right there and say, "The heck with this whole art history Ph.D. nonsense. I'd make a crackerjack secretary, and it wouldn't require any of this BS." But that wouldn't really be the most fulfilling career for me, and not finishing the degree would be perpetually unsatisfying. Before I was as serious a yoga practitioner as I am now, this sort of thing would have killed me. Criticism has crippled me for weeks and negatively impacted all sorts of relationships and experiences. But now, it feels like I have a way to take things in, learn from them, and move on without being bogged down and bricked in by negativity. Plus, there's nothing like a few pro-active vinyasas in 90+ degree weather to purify your soul.